certainty beats talent.

i want to be certain
i can be certain.

i'm jealous of nuvia.. she's doing such an amazing job with her internship.
and i didn't go to her opening tonight
i'm a fucking punk
i worked 12 hours today yes..
but i could have made it
for support.

why do i keep missing opportunities?!

joy mckinney

i need to start an art blog

will it help my resume?
will it help me land a job?

YES

i want to be the bomb at bloggin
yeahhh:D

our silence condones the action.

i need to make business cards and start making notes about the business i want to create. i need to start moving positively. i need to start making friends. and i need to do do do. do do!
ps: i'm in new york and i love it here.

jenn

pps: missin the bebuh!

happenings.

i want to create art by giving the artists a portal of creativity and imagination. i want to revisit art. i want to be groundbreaking and fun and enter into peoples daily lives through art. possibly bring back happenings?

free=time

i'm exhausted. can't think straight. whenever i have free time i freak out and end up spending an hour meaninglessly on facebook. fuck facebook..it keeps me distracted from my lovely free time that i so rarely get.
i'm exhausted.. which makes me a tad sad.. and it doesnt help that bebuh's not around.
just watched a House episode..and the woman he was helping was in an 'open marriage'. of course i was invested because i have once been in an open relationship.
i know that there is no equation to relationships.. but..
if open marriages and honesty don't work
and monogamy doesnt work..
then what is there?
love?
if there is only love.. then you are ignorant. that's how i see it i guess.

i trust damian with all my heart. and i'm sincerely learning from his honesty.
i think thats why i'm doing so well with him being away.. i trust him. i'm not worried.
if he does sleep with someone.. i can't be angry. he's told me that he wants to experience other people.. and he told me he'd tell me if he's interested in someone. thats all i can ask for
we're young.
i know age is just an age
but its realistic.
i love him.. and care about him and i know that when/if we spend the rest of our lives together..he's going to cherish me like i've never known. i want that.. i want to be loved like he loves me.. its amazing.


it's just so hard for me not to feel damaged.

app without meee

i miss my bub. 2nd day out of 6 without him. he's my bestie. my lover. i completely appreciate him.

and i loveeee him!

i did have a fulfilling day today i just am missin some kisses:)

insignificant

i think she's a bad person
because she makes me feel horrible.

when i see her.. especially with abby.. it reminds me of all the bad things that she did while with me.
i see the flaws, the hurt, the fucking uncaring person.
i know she's more than that.
i know i was with her for a reason
but i can't see any farther
i'm tired of looking
i'm tired of looking for a 'friend' and instead just finding someone i dislike

when i talk to her to find out how she's doing and whatnot
i feel like i dont really care
but instead i want to judge

who have i become to be this judging person
or this person who is ready to be judged?

i'm not ready to see her or be her friend. its been since may 2006 and i'm not ready.
i dont know what to do.
talk to her about this hurt? or just not talk to her at all.
this fucking sucks
i miss bub
he went to vegas today for app
i hope he doesnt sleep or make out with a pretty lady.
i don't think i'm ready for that yet.
i love him and want him to be happy/
i dont know what i want.

i like the hunt... new people
but theres more to new people
good night
i'm tired of feeling insignificant

wish i could tattoo every precious lyric to me.

i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.




.. but that would be silly i think.

the brim

It was worse than cheating.
I betrayed my partners trust today by going through his text messages and accusing him of being capable of being a cheater. i accused him of being a bad person. i had an issue of mistrust within myself because i could not let it go. i wanted to be right.
I WANTED TO BE RIGHT.
i wanted for him to be the bad guy so i wouldn't get hurt
i deflected.
i attempted to protect myself.
i only thought of MYSELF.
and in turn, i hurt the person i love the most.
i hurt him until he cried.
i betrayed his trust, and i became the person he doesn't want to be with.
i became the person he never ever wanted to put up with.

i am not that person
i am not that person
i am not dependent, insecure, or void of feeling.
but i became that person this morning, in a fit of uncontrollable curiosity, fear, anxiety.
i could not stop myself
i had no self control
i became a monster who didn't give a FUCK about anyone else and the consequences.
yes i thought, he might break up with me when he finds out i went through his txt msgs but you know what, i might get away with it. or i might find something and have an argument and it might be worth it.
i didn't think about betraying his trust
i didn't think about if it were me.. would he do this to me? NO. he wouldn't

i want to love like him
i want to be independent,
secure with myself,
take every situation with love and fun and not take ANYTHING for granted.

i know he's mad at me right now
i know he gave me a second chance but he doesn't know if our relationship will work
i know he doesn't want to fall out of love with me BUT HE JUST MIGHT.

i can't lose him over this. over something so childish and cruel
i have to rebuild trust. i have to be honest with im.
i have to not cater to him, but let him be his own true person.
i have to let him live his life.
i have to ADD something of SUBSTANCE to his life. like love, support, and care.

i have to love myself to do this.
and i do. i do love myself.
i love myself so much that i want to be perfect. and i fucking strive for everyday to be better than the last, but that might be my demise. i only do things for myself.

i need to read the mastery of love again.
i need to live the mastery of love.

i love damian.
i want to be with him, i've been scared and doubtful. but i almost lost him today and i know that i love him more than that. more than to hurt him. he is so special to me. not like any other boy or girl. no one compares.

wish me luck
i feel on the brim.

break-up?

fuck.
i've been thinking about breaking up with my wonderful boyfriend, Damian.
i love him so much. he has been the best partner that i've ever been with.
i can't imagine my life without him.
he makes me feel like i'm the most important person in the entire world.
i don't know if i'm overreacting..
can i break up with him?
am i doing it for the right reasons?
will there ever be a chance that we'll be together in the future?
if we both change, will we still love each other? will we still be IN LOVE with each other?
am i sure that i want to be in love with him now or in the future?

we've been together for 1 year and 3 months. yes, it is a serious relationship. no, it's not just a blip in my life. this is the one year where i have had the most fun in my life. ever.
have to go now.. maybe i'll continue this quest later but goddamn i want things to be black and white.

changggeee

hi hi.
for once i'm writing on blogger not upset! usually i come here when i'm really upset and need to vent but that is not the case now! awesome!
just got home from picking up damian from work. we were supposed to go to the pb gym but i forgot my gym card in all the midst of finishing up a movie and getting his stuff together and the rain. oh sweet rain.
i was thinking.. after this rain.. is there no more rain til next season? that would be sad. i do like this weather. i like it because it makes me think that i could be in another place with lots of rain (like portland or seattle) and be okay. rain doesnt bring me down, immobilize me, or make me upset if i get drenched. now i just need to avoid the cold. rain but no cold? hmm where is this magical place? tehe

i've been thinking about leaving a lot
but i have a crazy life here. it would be hard for me to untangle myself from everything i'm involved with and just up and leave. but im finding it hard to make the leap lately. the leap into anything, actually. i feel like i'm in slow motion.

and apparently so does bebuh. the other night he expressed that he really loves me and he's been really scared lately because he really could see himself being with me for the rest of his life but he also feels like he wants to go out and see and hang with people and change and evolve. he thinks that things havent changed much in the past year on his side. but it will come.. he needs to make a leap too. we need to leap.. but not together. we are too young to take our relationship to the next level. which would be moving in together.. we still have a lot to learn on our own.
i love him though
god.. it's such a deep fucking love and sometimes i dont know how serious to take it cuz i've never felt like this before. its amazing and scary all at the same time.

well.. this was a help.. hoping to turn in my resume and cover letter to museums in the nxt few days!
and new tattoo soon yey!

goodnight

all to myself

i'm all to myself. and it feels really unfamiliar.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)

so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.

get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding

speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.

my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?

maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.