I've always not been the very best at being friends.
I can have them, find them.. but keeping them and having those friendships grow has always been difficult.
It's hard to have people too close. It's mostly that I don't trust. and the ones that i do trust and have a good relationship with i either a) crush on. or b) become disloyal.
it's really a consistent challenge for me.
the two friendships that i've been the most intrigued by lately are monica and autumn. these two both for very different reasons.
monica, we started hanging out really fast and had mutual friends. it seemed easy. but then she demanded more time and i mishandled my time with work, school, partners. we each had different priorities. so we grew apart. i went through a breakup, depended on the comfort of new dating partners, until i finally found the one i love. and now monica thinks that the time we didnt hang out much was because of my partner. she might be a little right.. but its that on top of everything else and i need understanding. now every little thing she does bugs me and every personality trait i get confused by. do i believe the things she says? should i trust her? i think only time will tell, because she will be in my life for some time.. she's gracie's friend as well.
autumn, we met because our boyfriends were friends. she was the only other girl amongst the many boys in the crew at the time. life was surrounded by engima professional piercing. i was kinda pushed to be her friend by damian and i'm greatful for it. she's one of the strongest, most amazing women i know. i honestly love her. she's so kind and has a lot of respect for herself which is really important. unfortunately, she has a strong heart and sometimes she lets her partners control her emotions too much. i really wish i were closer to her.. she lives in san fran and i live in san diego. i miss her a lot sometimes but then i also think.. would i really be closer to her if i lived there. would she be able to confide in me as a friend, would i be a good enough friend to her?
autumn really inspires me and i hope i get to be closer to her at some point.
at least everything with my baby is going well.
i love gracie with all my heart.
it feels cheesy in the best way possible, i smile just thinking of her.
goodnight friends.
xoxoj
