all to myself

i'm all to myself. and it feels really unfamiliar.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)

so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.

get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding

speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.

my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?

maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.