the brim

It was worse than cheating.
I betrayed my partners trust today by going through his text messages and accusing him of being capable of being a cheater. i accused him of being a bad person. i had an issue of mistrust within myself because i could not let it go. i wanted to be right.
I WANTED TO BE RIGHT.
i wanted for him to be the bad guy so i wouldn't get hurt
i deflected.
i attempted to protect myself.
i only thought of MYSELF.
and in turn, i hurt the person i love the most.
i hurt him until he cried.
i betrayed his trust, and i became the person he doesn't want to be with.
i became the person he never ever wanted to put up with.

i am not that person
i am not that person
i am not dependent, insecure, or void of feeling.
but i became that person this morning, in a fit of uncontrollable curiosity, fear, anxiety.
i could not stop myself
i had no self control
i became a monster who didn't give a FUCK about anyone else and the consequences.
yes i thought, he might break up with me when he finds out i went through his txt msgs but you know what, i might get away with it. or i might find something and have an argument and it might be worth it.
i didn't think about betraying his trust
i didn't think about if it were me.. would he do this to me? NO. he wouldn't

i want to love like him
i want to be independent,
secure with myself,
take every situation with love and fun and not take ANYTHING for granted.

i know he's mad at me right now
i know he gave me a second chance but he doesn't know if our relationship will work
i know he doesn't want to fall out of love with me BUT HE JUST MIGHT.

i can't lose him over this. over something so childish and cruel
i have to rebuild trust. i have to be honest with im.
i have to not cater to him, but let him be his own true person.
i have to let him live his life.
i have to ADD something of SUBSTANCE to his life. like love, support, and care.

i have to love myself to do this.
and i do. i do love myself.
i love myself so much that i want to be perfect. and i fucking strive for everyday to be better than the last, but that might be my demise. i only do things for myself.

i need to read the mastery of love again.
i need to live the mastery of love.

i love damian.
i want to be with him, i've been scared and doubtful. but i almost lost him today and i know that i love him more than that. more than to hurt him. he is so special to me. not like any other boy or girl. no one compares.

wish me luck
i feel on the brim.