changggeee

hi hi.
for once i'm writing on blogger not upset! usually i come here when i'm really upset and need to vent but that is not the case now! awesome!
just got home from picking up damian from work. we were supposed to go to the pb gym but i forgot my gym card in all the midst of finishing up a movie and getting his stuff together and the rain. oh sweet rain.
i was thinking.. after this rain.. is there no more rain til next season? that would be sad. i do like this weather. i like it because it makes me think that i could be in another place with lots of rain (like portland or seattle) and be okay. rain doesnt bring me down, immobilize me, or make me upset if i get drenched. now i just need to avoid the cold. rain but no cold? hmm where is this magical place? tehe

i've been thinking about leaving a lot
but i have a crazy life here. it would be hard for me to untangle myself from everything i'm involved with and just up and leave. but im finding it hard to make the leap lately. the leap into anything, actually. i feel like i'm in slow motion.

and apparently so does bebuh. the other night he expressed that he really loves me and he's been really scared lately because he really could see himself being with me for the rest of his life but he also feels like he wants to go out and see and hang with people and change and evolve. he thinks that things havent changed much in the past year on his side. but it will come.. he needs to make a leap too. we need to leap.. but not together. we are too young to take our relationship to the next level. which would be moving in together.. we still have a lot to learn on our own.
i love him though
god.. it's such a deep fucking love and sometimes i dont know how serious to take it cuz i've never felt like this before. its amazing and scary all at the same time.

well.. this was a help.. hoping to turn in my resume and cover letter to museums in the nxt few days!
and new tattoo soon yey!

goodnight

all to myself

i'm all to myself. and it feels really unfamiliar.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)

so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.

get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding

speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.

my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?

maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.