I've always not been the very best at being friends.
I can have them, find them.. but keeping them and having those friendships grow has always been difficult.
It's hard to have people too close. It's mostly that I don't trust. and the ones that i do trust and have a good relationship with i either a) crush on. or b) become disloyal.
it's really a consistent challenge for me.
the two friendships that i've been the most intrigued by lately are monica and autumn. these two both for very different reasons.
monica, we started hanging out really fast and had mutual friends. it seemed easy. but then she demanded more time and i mishandled my time with work, school, partners. we each had different priorities. so we grew apart. i went through a breakup, depended on the comfort of new dating partners, until i finally found the one i love. and now monica thinks that the time we didnt hang out much was because of my partner. she might be a little right.. but its that on top of everything else and i need understanding. now every little thing she does bugs me and every personality trait i get confused by. do i believe the things she says? should i trust her? i think only time will tell, because she will be in my life for some time.. she's gracie's friend as well.
autumn, we met because our boyfriends were friends. she was the only other girl amongst the many boys in the crew at the time. life was surrounded by engima professional piercing. i was kinda pushed to be her friend by damian and i'm greatful for it. she's one of the strongest, most amazing women i know. i honestly love her. she's so kind and has a lot of respect for herself which is really important. unfortunately, she has a strong heart and sometimes she lets her partners control her emotions too much. i really wish i were closer to her.. she lives in san fran and i live in san diego. i miss her a lot sometimes but then i also think.. would i really be closer to her if i lived there. would she be able to confide in me as a friend, would i be a good enough friend to her?
autumn really inspires me and i hope i get to be closer to her at some point.
at least everything with my baby is going well.
i love gracie with all my heart.
it feels cheesy in the best way possible, i smile just thinking of her.
goodnight friends.
xoxoj
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
sometimes i feel like i've given up on him. like things got to hard and i thought they won't worth fixing.
were they deeper issues that could or could not be fixed?
a lot of the time i feel like if you really love the person you can work on anything and you can make it better and you can be happy.
i really do love him
and i know things aren't perfect. i know he's not a girl and i know he's not that comfortable around my family and i know he doesn't necessarily show affection all the time but he made me smile EVERY DAY. he cared about me every day. and he never stopped loving me.
did i stop loving him?
no.
i just stopped trying. i pushed away. i realized the picture wasn't perfect and i left. i stopped trying.
maybe i was ready to love, but i wasn't ready to work on things because working on things before with monet turned out to make me look like a jackass
i'm not to sure if i'm settling (rational thoughts) or i'm losing a chance on true love (irrational)
an instruction booklet would be very helpful right about now.
and i need sleep
xoxo j
were they deeper issues that could or could not be fixed?
a lot of the time i feel like if you really love the person you can work on anything and you can make it better and you can be happy.
i really do love him
and i know things aren't perfect. i know he's not a girl and i know he's not that comfortable around my family and i know he doesn't necessarily show affection all the time but he made me smile EVERY DAY. he cared about me every day. and he never stopped loving me.
did i stop loving him?
no.
i just stopped trying. i pushed away. i realized the picture wasn't perfect and i left. i stopped trying.
maybe i was ready to love, but i wasn't ready to work on things because working on things before with monet turned out to make me look like a jackass
i'm not to sure if i'm settling (rational thoughts) or i'm losing a chance on true love (irrational)
an instruction booklet would be very helpful right about now.
and i need sleep
xoxo j
Thursday, February 17, 2011
full moon.
hello.
So it has been almost 4 months since Damian and I split up.
I break up has brought so many changes that I should have been more prepared for.
I should have been ready for the amount of changes that might happen.
We've gone through so much and somehow, I've been keeping my emotions at bay when seeing him. I still sometimes cry and get sad when I see him, but he understands. He sees how much I love him and how hard our time apart has been. I just have to keep telling myself that this break is helping us/me.
Mostly myself.
The break has allowed me to figure out if I only want to be with women, if I'm ready for a long-term committed relationship, and what I want to do next after I graduate, if I want to leave San Diego.
Originally our break was to take time for ourselves and figure things out, whether we were happy in life, whether we had been happy with each other.
I didn't realize until we had been apart that he really does make me happy each and every day of my life. There was never a time where we were mad at each other for more than a day. He has helped me grow and develop in so many ways I couldn't even imagine.
And maybe that is what this phase of our relationship was. Or maybe we're done now, and that's what I was supposed to get out of that relationship.
Only time will tell (hate cheesy expressions like that but it's true).
He keeps saying, "you have to let go, the relationship we had is in the past and we need to evolve now" and the thing is I don't want the relationship we had in the past. Yes, I was happy but a lot of things didn't make me as happy as I possibly could've been and I should have expressed those things to him before, before they manifested into something greater.
I want to tell him that I've moved on from that, and the next relationship we have (if we have) needs to be different. We need to love each other the way we feel it.
I'm grateful for my friends, sad for lovers lost, scared shitless of being on my own.
but i'm going to try it.
goodnight lovely full moon.
until the next change.
xojay
So it has been almost 4 months since Damian and I split up.
I break up has brought so many changes that I should have been more prepared for.
I should have been ready for the amount of changes that might happen.
We've gone through so much and somehow, I've been keeping my emotions at bay when seeing him. I still sometimes cry and get sad when I see him, but he understands. He sees how much I love him and how hard our time apart has been. I just have to keep telling myself that this break is helping us/me.
Mostly myself.
The break has allowed me to figure out if I only want to be with women, if I'm ready for a long-term committed relationship, and what I want to do next after I graduate, if I want to leave San Diego.
Originally our break was to take time for ourselves and figure things out, whether we were happy in life, whether we had been happy with each other.
I didn't realize until we had been apart that he really does make me happy each and every day of my life. There was never a time where we were mad at each other for more than a day. He has helped me grow and develop in so many ways I couldn't even imagine.
And maybe that is what this phase of our relationship was. Or maybe we're done now, and that's what I was supposed to get out of that relationship.
Only time will tell (hate cheesy expressions like that but it's true).
He keeps saying, "you have to let go, the relationship we had is in the past and we need to evolve now" and the thing is I don't want the relationship we had in the past. Yes, I was happy but a lot of things didn't make me as happy as I possibly could've been and I should have expressed those things to him before, before they manifested into something greater.
I want to tell him that I've moved on from that, and the next relationship we have (if we have) needs to be different. We need to love each other the way we feel it.
I'm grateful for my friends, sad for lovers lost, scared shitless of being on my own.
but i'm going to try it.
goodnight lovely full moon.
until the next change.
xojay
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
love
i love damian.
i'm in love with him. some things made me unhappy. but at the end of the day, i HATE being his EX girlfriend. i HATE not seeing him at the end of the day.
and now he's with someone.
of course it hurts, aches, makes me jealous.
i just want him to be happy.
i don't want to lose him, he says i won't but how does he know if he starts a new relationship with someone else.
it just hurts knowing this won't be the last time i cry about him.
and where THE FUCK does my sexuality fit in with all this? who knows. being bisexual can BITE YOU in the ass sometimes.
i glance at the top of each new text and wish for your name.
i think about the future, how happy i am with you.
i think about how i meant it when i said, i know you're the only one for me.
if this is what it's like to 'get over you', then i don't want anything to do with it.
xojj
i'm in love with him. some things made me unhappy. but at the end of the day, i HATE being his EX girlfriend. i HATE not seeing him at the end of the day.
and now he's with someone.
of course it hurts, aches, makes me jealous.
i just want him to be happy.
i don't want to lose him, he says i won't but how does he know if he starts a new relationship with someone else.
it just hurts knowing this won't be the last time i cry about him.
and where THE FUCK does my sexuality fit in with all this? who knows. being bisexual can BITE YOU in the ass sometimes.
i glance at the top of each new text and wish for your name.
i think about the future, how happy i am with you.
i think about how i meant it when i said, i know you're the only one for me.
if this is what it's like to 'get over you', then i don't want anything to do with it.
xojj
Friday, July 9, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
happenings.
i want to create art by giving the artists a portal of creativity and imagination. i want to revisit art. i want to be groundbreaking and fun and enter into peoples daily lives through art. possibly bring back happenings?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
free=time
i'm exhausted. can't think straight. whenever i have free time i freak out and end up spending an hour meaninglessly on facebook. fuck facebook..it keeps me distracted from my lovely free time that i so rarely get.
i'm exhausted.. which makes me a tad sad.. and it doesnt help that bebuh's not around.
just watched a House episode..and the woman he was helping was in an 'open marriage'. of course i was invested because i have once been in an open relationship.
i know that there is no equation to relationships.. but..
if open marriages and honesty don't work
and monogamy doesnt work..
then what is there?
love?
if there is only love.. then you are ignorant. that's how i see it i guess.
i trust damian with all my heart. and i'm sincerely learning from his honesty.
i think thats why i'm doing so well with him being away.. i trust him. i'm not worried.
if he does sleep with someone.. i can't be angry. he's told me that he wants to experience other people.. and he told me he'd tell me if he's interested in someone. thats all i can ask for
we're young.
i know age is just an age
but its realistic.
i love him.. and care about him and i know that when/if we spend the rest of our lives together..he's going to cherish me like i've never known. i want that.. i want to be loved like he loves me.. its amazing.
it's just so hard for me not to feel damaged.
i'm exhausted.. which makes me a tad sad.. and it doesnt help that bebuh's not around.
just watched a House episode..and the woman he was helping was in an 'open marriage'. of course i was invested because i have once been in an open relationship.
i know that there is no equation to relationships.. but..
if open marriages and honesty don't work
and monogamy doesnt work..
then what is there?
love?
if there is only love.. then you are ignorant. that's how i see it i guess.
i trust damian with all my heart. and i'm sincerely learning from his honesty.
i think thats why i'm doing so well with him being away.. i trust him. i'm not worried.
if he does sleep with someone.. i can't be angry. he's told me that he wants to experience other people.. and he told me he'd tell me if he's interested in someone. thats all i can ask for
we're young.
i know age is just an age
but its realistic.
i love him.. and care about him and i know that when/if we spend the rest of our lives together..he's going to cherish me like i've never known. i want that.. i want to be loved like he loves me.. its amazing.
it's just so hard for me not to feel damaged.
Monday, May 3, 2010
app without meee
i miss my bub. 2nd day out of 6 without him. he's my bestie. my lover. i completely appreciate him.
and i loveeee him!
i did have a fulfilling day today i just am missin some kisses:)
and i loveeee him!
i did have a fulfilling day today i just am missin some kisses:)
insignificant
i think she's a bad person
because she makes me feel horrible.
when i see her.. especially with abby.. it reminds me of all the bad things that she did while with me.
i see the flaws, the hurt, the fucking uncaring person.
i know she's more than that.
i know i was with her for a reason
but i can't see any farther
i'm tired of looking
i'm tired of looking for a 'friend' and instead just finding someone i dislike
when i talk to her to find out how she's doing and whatnot
i feel like i dont really care
but instead i want to judge
who have i become to be this judging person
or this person who is ready to be judged?
i'm not ready to see her or be her friend. its been since may 2006 and i'm not ready.
i dont know what to do.
talk to her about this hurt? or just not talk to her at all.
this fucking sucks
i miss bub
he went to vegas today for app
i hope he doesnt sleep or make out with a pretty lady.
i don't think i'm ready for that yet.
i love him and want him to be happy/
i dont know what i want.
i like the hunt... new people
but theres more to new people
good night
i'm tired of feeling insignificant
because she makes me feel horrible.
when i see her.. especially with abby.. it reminds me of all the bad things that she did while with me.
i see the flaws, the hurt, the fucking uncaring person.
i know she's more than that.
i know i was with her for a reason
but i can't see any farther
i'm tired of looking
i'm tired of looking for a 'friend' and instead just finding someone i dislike
when i talk to her to find out how she's doing and whatnot
i feel like i dont really care
but instead i want to judge
who have i become to be this judging person
or this person who is ready to be judged?
i'm not ready to see her or be her friend. its been since may 2006 and i'm not ready.
i dont know what to do.
talk to her about this hurt? or just not talk to her at all.
this fucking sucks
i miss bub
he went to vegas today for app
i hope he doesnt sleep or make out with a pretty lady.
i don't think i'm ready for that yet.
i love him and want him to be happy/
i dont know what i want.
i like the hunt... new people
but theres more to new people
good night
i'm tired of feeling insignificant
Saturday, March 13, 2010
wish i could tattoo every precious lyric to me.
i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.
.. but that would be silly i think.
.. but that would be silly i think.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
the brim
It was worse than cheating.
I betrayed my partners trust today by going through his text messages and accusing him of being capable of being a cheater. i accused him of being a bad person. i had an issue of mistrust within myself because i could not let it go. i wanted to be right.
I WANTED TO BE RIGHT.
i wanted for him to be the bad guy so i wouldn't get hurt
i deflected.
i attempted to protect myself.
i only thought of MYSELF.
and in turn, i hurt the person i love the most.
i hurt him until he cried.
i betrayed his trust, and i became the person he doesn't want to be with.
i became the person he never ever wanted to put up with.
i am not that person
i am not that person
i am not dependent, insecure, or void of feeling.
but i became that person this morning, in a fit of uncontrollable curiosity, fear, anxiety.
i could not stop myself
i had no self control
i became a monster who didn't give a FUCK about anyone else and the consequences.
yes i thought, he might break up with me when he finds out i went through his txt msgs but you know what, i might get away with it. or i might find something and have an argument and it might be worth it.
i didn't think about betraying his trust
i didn't think about if it were me.. would he do this to me? NO. he wouldn't
i want to love like him
i want to be independent,
secure with myself,
take every situation with love and fun and not take ANYTHING for granted.
i know he's mad at me right now
i know he gave me a second chance but he doesn't know if our relationship will work
i know he doesn't want to fall out of love with me BUT HE JUST MIGHT.
i can't lose him over this. over something so childish and cruel
i have to rebuild trust. i have to be honest with im.
i have to not cater to him, but let him be his own true person.
i have to let him live his life.
i have to ADD something of SUBSTANCE to his life. like love, support, and care.
i have to love myself to do this.
and i do. i do love myself.
i love myself so much that i want to be perfect. and i fucking strive for everyday to be better than the last, but that might be my demise. i only do things for myself.
i need to read the mastery of love again.
i need to live the mastery of love.
i love damian.
i want to be with him, i've been scared and doubtful. but i almost lost him today and i know that i love him more than that. more than to hurt him. he is so special to me. not like any other boy or girl. no one compares.
wish me luck
i feel on the brim.
I betrayed my partners trust today by going through his text messages and accusing him of being capable of being a cheater. i accused him of being a bad person. i had an issue of mistrust within myself because i could not let it go. i wanted to be right.
I WANTED TO BE RIGHT.
i wanted for him to be the bad guy so i wouldn't get hurt
i deflected.
i attempted to protect myself.
i only thought of MYSELF.
and in turn, i hurt the person i love the most.
i hurt him until he cried.
i betrayed his trust, and i became the person he doesn't want to be with.
i became the person he never ever wanted to put up with.
i am not that person
i am not that person
i am not dependent, insecure, or void of feeling.
but i became that person this morning, in a fit of uncontrollable curiosity, fear, anxiety.
i could not stop myself
i had no self control
i became a monster who didn't give a FUCK about anyone else and the consequences.
yes i thought, he might break up with me when he finds out i went through his txt msgs but you know what, i might get away with it. or i might find something and have an argument and it might be worth it.
i didn't think about betraying his trust
i didn't think about if it were me.. would he do this to me? NO. he wouldn't
i want to love like him
i want to be independent,
secure with myself,
take every situation with love and fun and not take ANYTHING for granted.
i know he's mad at me right now
i know he gave me a second chance but he doesn't know if our relationship will work
i know he doesn't want to fall out of love with me BUT HE JUST MIGHT.
i can't lose him over this. over something so childish and cruel
i have to rebuild trust. i have to be honest with im.
i have to not cater to him, but let him be his own true person.
i have to let him live his life.
i have to ADD something of SUBSTANCE to his life. like love, support, and care.
i have to love myself to do this.
and i do. i do love myself.
i love myself so much that i want to be perfect. and i fucking strive for everyday to be better than the last, but that might be my demise. i only do things for myself.
i need to read the mastery of love again.
i need to live the mastery of love.
i love damian.
i want to be with him, i've been scared and doubtful. but i almost lost him today and i know that i love him more than that. more than to hurt him. he is so special to me. not like any other boy or girl. no one compares.
wish me luck
i feel on the brim.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
break-up?
fuck.
i've been thinking about breaking up with my wonderful boyfriend, Damian.
i love him so much. he has been the best partner that i've ever been with.
i can't imagine my life without him.
he makes me feel like i'm the most important person in the entire world.
i don't know if i'm overreacting..
can i break up with him?
am i doing it for the right reasons?
will there ever be a chance that we'll be together in the future?
if we both change, will we still love each other? will we still be IN LOVE with each other?
am i sure that i want to be in love with him now or in the future?
we've been together for 1 year and 3 months. yes, it is a serious relationship. no, it's not just a blip in my life. this is the one year where i have had the most fun in my life. ever.
have to go now.. maybe i'll continue this quest later but goddamn i want things to be black and white.
i've been thinking about breaking up with my wonderful boyfriend, Damian.
i love him so much. he has been the best partner that i've ever been with.
i can't imagine my life without him.
he makes me feel like i'm the most important person in the entire world.
i don't know if i'm overreacting..
can i break up with him?
am i doing it for the right reasons?
will there ever be a chance that we'll be together in the future?
if we both change, will we still love each other? will we still be IN LOVE with each other?
am i sure that i want to be in love with him now or in the future?
we've been together for 1 year and 3 months. yes, it is a serious relationship. no, it's not just a blip in my life. this is the one year where i have had the most fun in my life. ever.
have to go now.. maybe i'll continue this quest later but goddamn i want things to be black and white.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
changggeee
hi hi.
for once i'm writing on blogger not upset! usually i come here when i'm really upset and need to vent but that is not the case now! awesome!
just got home from picking up damian from work. we were supposed to go to the pb gym but i forgot my gym card in all the midst of finishing up a movie and getting his stuff together and the rain. oh sweet rain.
i was thinking.. after this rain.. is there no more rain til next season? that would be sad. i do like this weather. i like it because it makes me think that i could be in another place with lots of rain (like portland or seattle) and be okay. rain doesnt bring me down, immobilize me, or make me upset if i get drenched. now i just need to avoid the cold. rain but no cold? hmm where is this magical place? tehe
i've been thinking about leaving a lot
but i have a crazy life here. it would be hard for me to untangle myself from everything i'm involved with and just up and leave. but im finding it hard to make the leap lately. the leap into anything, actually. i feel like i'm in slow motion.
and apparently so does bebuh. the other night he expressed that he really loves me and he's been really scared lately because he really could see himself being with me for the rest of his life but he also feels like he wants to go out and see and hang with people and change and evolve. he thinks that things havent changed much in the past year on his side. but it will come.. he needs to make a leap too. we need to leap.. but not together. we are too young to take our relationship to the next level. which would be moving in together.. we still have a lot to learn on our own.
i love him though
god.. it's such a deep fucking love and sometimes i dont know how serious to take it cuz i've never felt like this before. its amazing and scary all at the same time.
well.. this was a help.. hoping to turn in my resume and cover letter to museums in the nxt few days!
and new tattoo soon yey!
goodnight
for once i'm writing on blogger not upset! usually i come here when i'm really upset and need to vent but that is not the case now! awesome!
just got home from picking up damian from work. we were supposed to go to the pb gym but i forgot my gym card in all the midst of finishing up a movie and getting his stuff together and the rain. oh sweet rain.
i was thinking.. after this rain.. is there no more rain til next season? that would be sad. i do like this weather. i like it because it makes me think that i could be in another place with lots of rain (like portland or seattle) and be okay. rain doesnt bring me down, immobilize me, or make me upset if i get drenched. now i just need to avoid the cold. rain but no cold? hmm where is this magical place? tehe
i've been thinking about leaving a lot
but i have a crazy life here. it would be hard for me to untangle myself from everything i'm involved with and just up and leave. but im finding it hard to make the leap lately. the leap into anything, actually. i feel like i'm in slow motion.
and apparently so does bebuh. the other night he expressed that he really loves me and he's been really scared lately because he really could see himself being with me for the rest of his life but he also feels like he wants to go out and see and hang with people and change and evolve. he thinks that things havent changed much in the past year on his side. but it will come.. he needs to make a leap too. we need to leap.. but not together. we are too young to take our relationship to the next level. which would be moving in together.. we still have a lot to learn on our own.
i love him though
god.. it's such a deep fucking love and sometimes i dont know how serious to take it cuz i've never felt like this before. its amazing and scary all at the same time.
well.. this was a help.. hoping to turn in my resume and cover letter to museums in the nxt few days!
and new tattoo soon yey!
goodnight
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
all to myself
i'm all to myself. and it feels really unfamiliar.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)
so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.
get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding
speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.
my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?
maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)
so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.
get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding
speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.
my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?
maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.
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