full moon.

hello.

So it has been almost 4 months since Damian and I split up.

I break up has brought so many changes that I should have been more prepared for.
I should have been ready for the amount of changes that might happen.

We've gone through so much and somehow, I've been keeping my emotions at bay when seeing him. I still sometimes cry and get sad when I see him, but he understands. He sees how much I love him and how hard our time apart has been. I just have to keep telling myself that this break is helping us/me.

Mostly myself.
The break has allowed me to figure out if I only want to be with women, if I'm ready for a long-term committed relationship, and what I want to do next after I graduate, if I want to leave San Diego.

Originally our break was to take time for ourselves and figure things out, whether we were happy in life, whether we had been happy with each other.

I didn't realize until we had been apart that he really does make me happy each and every day of my life. There was never a time where we were mad at each other for more than a day. He has helped me grow and develop in so many ways I couldn't even imagine.

And maybe that is what this phase of our relationship was. Or maybe we're done now, and that's what I was supposed to get out of that relationship.

Only time will tell (hate cheesy expressions like that but it's true).

He keeps saying, "you have to let go, the relationship we had is in the past and we need to evolve now" and the thing is I don't want the relationship we had in the past. Yes, I was happy but a lot of things didn't make me as happy as I possibly could've been and I should have expressed those things to him before, before they manifested into something greater.

I want to tell him that I've moved on from that, and the next relationship we have (if we have) needs to be different. We need to love each other the way we feel it.

I'm grateful for my friends, sad for lovers lost, scared shitless of being on my own.
but i'm going to try it.

goodnight lovely full moon.
until the next change.

xojay