Friends are like..

I've always not been the very best at being friends.
I can have them, find them.. but keeping them and having those friendships grow has always been difficult.
It's hard to have people too close. It's mostly that I don't trust. and the ones that i do trust and have a good relationship with i either a) crush on. or b) become disloyal.
it's really a consistent challenge for me.

the two friendships that i've been the most intrigued by lately are monica and autumn. these two both for very different reasons.
monica, we started hanging out really fast and had mutual friends. it seemed easy. but then she demanded more time and i mishandled my time with work, school, partners. we each had different priorities. so we grew apart. i went through a breakup, depended on the comfort of new dating partners, until i finally found the one i love. and now monica thinks that the time we didnt hang out much was because of my partner. she might be a little right.. but its that on top of everything else and i need understanding. now every little thing she does bugs me and every personality trait i get confused by. do i believe the things she says? should i trust her? i think only time will tell, because she will be in my life for some time.. she's gracie's friend as well.
autumn, we met because our boyfriends were friends. she was the only other girl amongst the many boys in the crew at the time. life was surrounded by engima professional piercing. i was kinda pushed to be her friend by damian and i'm greatful for it. she's one of the strongest, most amazing women i know. i honestly love her. she's so kind and has a lot of respect for herself which is really important. unfortunately, she has a strong heart and sometimes she lets her partners control her emotions too much. i really wish i were closer to her.. she lives in san fran and i live in san diego. i miss her a lot sometimes but then i also think.. would i really be closer to her if i lived there. would she be able to confide in me as a friend, would i be a good enough friend to her?

autumn really inspires me and i hope i get to be closer to her at some point.

at least everything with my baby is going well.
i love gracie with all my heart.
it feels cheesy in the best way possible, i smile just thinking of her.

goodnight friends.
xoxoj

it would be nice if..

my breakdown could wait until AFTER finals. thank you.

xoxoj

suck it up jenn, suck it up.

i'm tired of proving i'm tough.

i just need to get things done.

sometimes i feel like i've given up on him. like things got to hard and i thought they won't worth fixing.
were they deeper issues that could or could not be fixed?
a lot of the time i feel like if you really love the person you can work on anything and you can make it better and you can be happy.
i really do love him
and i know things aren't perfect. i know he's not a girl and i know he's not that comfortable around my family and i know he doesn't necessarily show affection all the time but he made me smile EVERY DAY. he cared about me every day. and he never stopped loving me.
did i stop loving him?
no.
i just stopped trying. i pushed away. i realized the picture wasn't perfect and i left. i stopped trying.
maybe i was ready to love, but i wasn't ready to work on things because working on things before with monet turned out to make me look like a jackass

i'm not to sure if i'm settling (rational thoughts) or i'm losing a chance on true love (irrational)

an instruction booklet would be very helpful right about now.
and i need sleep
xoxo j

full moon.

hello.

So it has been almost 4 months since Damian and I split up.

I break up has brought so many changes that I should have been more prepared for.
I should have been ready for the amount of changes that might happen.

We've gone through so much and somehow, I've been keeping my emotions at bay when seeing him. I still sometimes cry and get sad when I see him, but he understands. He sees how much I love him and how hard our time apart has been. I just have to keep telling myself that this break is helping us/me.

Mostly myself.
The break has allowed me to figure out if I only want to be with women, if I'm ready for a long-term committed relationship, and what I want to do next after I graduate, if I want to leave San Diego.

Originally our break was to take time for ourselves and figure things out, whether we were happy in life, whether we had been happy with each other.

I didn't realize until we had been apart that he really does make me happy each and every day of my life. There was never a time where we were mad at each other for more than a day. He has helped me grow and develop in so many ways I couldn't even imagine.

And maybe that is what this phase of our relationship was. Or maybe we're done now, and that's what I was supposed to get out of that relationship.

Only time will tell (hate cheesy expressions like that but it's true).

He keeps saying, "you have to let go, the relationship we had is in the past and we need to evolve now" and the thing is I don't want the relationship we had in the past. Yes, I was happy but a lot of things didn't make me as happy as I possibly could've been and I should have expressed those things to him before, before they manifested into something greater.

I want to tell him that I've moved on from that, and the next relationship we have (if we have) needs to be different. We need to love each other the way we feel it.

I'm grateful for my friends, sad for lovers lost, scared shitless of being on my own.
but i'm going to try it.

goodnight lovely full moon.
until the next change.

xojay

love

i love damian.
i'm in love with him. some things made me unhappy. but at the end of the day, i HATE being his EX girlfriend. i HATE not seeing him at the end of the day.
and now he's with someone.
of course it hurts, aches, makes me jealous.
i just want him to be happy.
i don't want to lose him, he says i won't but how does he know if he starts a new relationship with someone else.

it just hurts knowing this won't be the last time i cry about him.
and where THE FUCK does my sexuality fit in with all this? who knows. being bisexual can BITE YOU in the ass sometimes.

i glance at the top of each new text and wish for your name.
i think about the future, how happy i am with you.
i think about how i meant it when i said, i know you're the only one for me.
if this is what it's like to 'get over you', then i don't want anything to do with it.

xojj

certainty beats talent.

i want to be certain
i can be certain.

i'm jealous of nuvia.. she's doing such an amazing job with her internship.
and i didn't go to her opening tonight
i'm a fucking punk
i worked 12 hours today yes..
but i could have made it
for support.

why do i keep missing opportunities?!