wish i could tattoo every precious lyric to me.

i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.




.. but that would be silly i think.

the brim

It was worse than cheating.
I betrayed my partners trust today by going through his text messages and accusing him of being capable of being a cheater. i accused him of being a bad person. i had an issue of mistrust within myself because i could not let it go. i wanted to be right.
I WANTED TO BE RIGHT.
i wanted for him to be the bad guy so i wouldn't get hurt
i deflected.
i attempted to protect myself.
i only thought of MYSELF.
and in turn, i hurt the person i love the most.
i hurt him until he cried.
i betrayed his trust, and i became the person he doesn't want to be with.
i became the person he never ever wanted to put up with.

i am not that person
i am not that person
i am not dependent, insecure, or void of feeling.
but i became that person this morning, in a fit of uncontrollable curiosity, fear, anxiety.
i could not stop myself
i had no self control
i became a monster who didn't give a FUCK about anyone else and the consequences.
yes i thought, he might break up with me when he finds out i went through his txt msgs but you know what, i might get away with it. or i might find something and have an argument and it might be worth it.
i didn't think about betraying his trust
i didn't think about if it were me.. would he do this to me? NO. he wouldn't

i want to love like him
i want to be independent,
secure with myself,
take every situation with love and fun and not take ANYTHING for granted.

i know he's mad at me right now
i know he gave me a second chance but he doesn't know if our relationship will work
i know he doesn't want to fall out of love with me BUT HE JUST MIGHT.

i can't lose him over this. over something so childish and cruel
i have to rebuild trust. i have to be honest with im.
i have to not cater to him, but let him be his own true person.
i have to let him live his life.
i have to ADD something of SUBSTANCE to his life. like love, support, and care.

i have to love myself to do this.
and i do. i do love myself.
i love myself so much that i want to be perfect. and i fucking strive for everyday to be better than the last, but that might be my demise. i only do things for myself.

i need to read the mastery of love again.
i need to live the mastery of love.

i love damian.
i want to be with him, i've been scared and doubtful. but i almost lost him today and i know that i love him more than that. more than to hurt him. he is so special to me. not like any other boy or girl. no one compares.

wish me luck
i feel on the brim.

break-up?

fuck.
i've been thinking about breaking up with my wonderful boyfriend, Damian.
i love him so much. he has been the best partner that i've ever been with.
i can't imagine my life without him.
he makes me feel like i'm the most important person in the entire world.
i don't know if i'm overreacting..
can i break up with him?
am i doing it for the right reasons?
will there ever be a chance that we'll be together in the future?
if we both change, will we still love each other? will we still be IN LOVE with each other?
am i sure that i want to be in love with him now or in the future?

we've been together for 1 year and 3 months. yes, it is a serious relationship. no, it's not just a blip in my life. this is the one year where i have had the most fun in my life. ever.
have to go now.. maybe i'll continue this quest later but goddamn i want things to be black and white.

changggeee

hi hi.
for once i'm writing on blogger not upset! usually i come here when i'm really upset and need to vent but that is not the case now! awesome!
just got home from picking up damian from work. we were supposed to go to the pb gym but i forgot my gym card in all the midst of finishing up a movie and getting his stuff together and the rain. oh sweet rain.
i was thinking.. after this rain.. is there no more rain til next season? that would be sad. i do like this weather. i like it because it makes me think that i could be in another place with lots of rain (like portland or seattle) and be okay. rain doesnt bring me down, immobilize me, or make me upset if i get drenched. now i just need to avoid the cold. rain but no cold? hmm where is this magical place? tehe

i've been thinking about leaving a lot
but i have a crazy life here. it would be hard for me to untangle myself from everything i'm involved with and just up and leave. but im finding it hard to make the leap lately. the leap into anything, actually. i feel like i'm in slow motion.

and apparently so does bebuh. the other night he expressed that he really loves me and he's been really scared lately because he really could see himself being with me for the rest of his life but he also feels like he wants to go out and see and hang with people and change and evolve. he thinks that things havent changed much in the past year on his side. but it will come.. he needs to make a leap too. we need to leap.. but not together. we are too young to take our relationship to the next level. which would be moving in together.. we still have a lot to learn on our own.
i love him though
god.. it's such a deep fucking love and sometimes i dont know how serious to take it cuz i've never felt like this before. its amazing and scary all at the same time.

well.. this was a help.. hoping to turn in my resume and cover letter to museums in the nxt few days!
and new tattoo soon yey!

goodnight

all to myself

i'm all to myself. and it feels really unfamiliar.
i never really know what it's like to feel alone for very long. always have to fill that void..and it's usually with someone. i'm lucky it's not drugs, drinking, or rock&roll ;)

so the point.
lots of thinking going on.. i feel slightly lost. and trapped.
i'm in this transition where i just started 'real school' as i call it. ucsd is really awkward. the classes are different, more intellectual, and i know i'm supposed to figure out what i want to do next, but i'm really scared to take the next step.

get an internship? that's real work. real unfamiliar work that i'm afraid to start because i dont want to mess up. i'm fucking clutsy, naive, and freespirited.
dont put me in a box!
ha
i'm only kidding

speaking of boxes.
i've been in san diego my whole life. i've been slightly trapped lately
i want to leave.
i've never left, i never vacation.
this is the first time in my life where i've only worked 20 hours a week, it feels like a vacation only going to school and worrying about my studies!
but i am just having this weird feeling of disliking running into old highschool friends.. or knowing everyone i run into.
it doesnt feel like my life.
this isnt really making sense
i'm just having hometown syndrome.
and its only worsening because i'm scared to make a move.
what if i do want to go to new york. or san francisco.
i make myself believe that it's not feasible or rational and i just drop the idea. but look at all the positives that could come of a move like that! i could have a life i never dreamt of having. and i have never dreamt like this because i've been so comfortable, so steady.

my good friend autumn moved to new york a few months ago. and it just shook everything up. it was amazing. it felt like a performance piece. i was very jealous that she took control of her life and just got up and left.
could i do that?

maybe i should be writing here more often. makes things more clear.
i love damian and i miss him, can't wait to see his face again.

solution

he's just upset that i make it all about me.
i have to have a solution to keep MY mind at peace.
he thinks i don't think about him.. and what he wants
shit
i don't even know what he wants

what used to happen when people called me out?
i know i'm selfish
and think of myself first a lot of the time
but when was the last time someone stood up to me?

was monet always wrong?

afterthought

also, i have codependent tendencies and maybe i just didnt think for myself from the beginning.
ie: no reason to pressure him to drink, i wasnt really up for having crazy amounts of sex.